True Beauty

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity." -Margaret Nadauld

I have always struggled with a negative body image. I love to exercise and have always set goals to have a body that may or may not be realistic for my body type. The only thing this has done for me is make me miserable. The more I exercise the more critical I am of myself. I've always told myself that I'm not "that girl" who compares myself to all the fit people I see all over social media. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize I actually AM. I do compare myself to others, even if it's subconsciously. While I realize the importance of taking care of my body, I can see that instead of exercising to be healthy and to feel good about myself I exercise because I am in a subconscious "competition" with those I come across in the media. 

Lately I've been thinking about true beauty. What kind of beautiful do I want to be? Do I want to continue to beat myself up over unrealistic goals that I am not accomplishing? If I continue to base my beauty on how hard I work at the gym or whether or not I have a thigh gap, I know that I will continue to be unhappy. This is why I have set a goal to measure my beauty differently. 

 I want to feel beautiful because I do things that really matter. I know that I feel best when I am serving others. I also know that when I see others doing random acts of kindness, I see those people as beautiful. I want to be seen as beautiful because I do and say kind things. I want to be seen as beautiful because I was the answer to someone's prayer. I want to be seen as beautiful because I have compassion, charity, and love towards other people.  I want to be beautiful because I am Christlike. 

As women we tend to be very critical of ourselves. What if we could just take a step back and base our beauty on the things we do and say instead of the things we buy to make ourselves "look better?" What if we stop comparing ourselves to others and look inward to realize the difference we can make by our kind words and deeds? What if instead of trying to look or be better than someone else you do something nice for them instead?

I absolutely love the quote at the beginning of this post. The world has enough women who THINK they know who they are. We need more woman who KNOW who they are and know their divine worth and act on that knowledge. We are daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. The world sees us only as objects meant to satisfy the lust of the world. We are so much more! We will never be good enough in the eyes of the world. There is always another pound to lose, another product to try. However, we will ALWAYS be good enough for our Heavenly Father. 

Beauty comes in giving yourself to others. It comes in realizing who you are and WHOSE you are. Beauty comes when you truly lose yourself in the service of others and by doing so bring yourself closer to Christ. Some of the most beautiful women I know are the ones who radiate the light of Christ.

Beauty Redefined is a non-profit organization started by twin sisters Lindsay and Lexi Kite. They both received their PhD's from the University of Utah in the study of media and body image and have created this initiative as a way to fight negative media messages targeted at women that affect body image. They have created three points that summarize their objective:

1. Recognize. Recognizing harmful messages is the first step in taking back beauty and health for ourselves. By recognizing the lies that are portrayed in the media we can begin to redefine our concept of beauty.

2. Redefine. Redefining the way we perceive our own bodies is the second step to taking back beauty and health for ourselves. One suggestion to redefine your perception of your body may be to set goals to see what your body can do instead of what it can look like.

3. Resist. Resisting harmful messages about female bodies is the final continuous step to taking back health and beauty for ourselves. This may include choosing not to spend money at stores that use degrading images and messages (ex. Carl's Junior. Many of their ads use sex as a way to make their food look desirable.) 

To find out more about Beauty Redefined, check out the website here! 

Lastly, I would like to suggest that if you find yourself judging your body by what it looks like instead of what it can do, set goals to realign your focus. Our bodies are amazing and were created in the image of our Heavenly Father. By setting goals to see what your body can do you will have a more complete concept of yourself as someone who can achieve healthy goals. 

Fathers ARE important

I always felt it a blessing --  the fact that I grew up with a father who loves and supports me. He however was not so fortunate, as his own father died in a tragic accident when my dad was only four years old. In many ways my father blames this for the way he acted as a teenager. He didn’t have a dad to show him the value of becoming an eagle scout; his father wasn’t around to discuss the importance of proper dating relationships, and his mother was the only one around to enforce discipline.  With other children at home and having to work full time to support the family, she was spread pretty thin. I'm by no means saying that my father is any less of a father because he didn't grow up with one. He, just as many other children and youth who grow up without their fathers in their lives, missed out on the influence that a good dad has on his children. As a Social Science major at BYU-Idaho,  I became passionate about family relationships and how to safe guard them against the ways of the world. I  began noticing that the world has a very different view of the role of fatherhood compared to what we know and understand as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As I served as an LDS missionary in New York City for 18 months, I often worked with young women who grew up without their fathers in their lives. I observed many behaviors, such as lack of self-respect and the desire for any type of male attention which I believe these could have been lessened if these girls had a positive father role model in their lives.  Positive father/daughter relationships help teenage girls understand they deserve to be respected and helps fulfill the need for acceptance from the opposite gender.

This leads to my question:

Is the role of fathers important? The world today would say no. The world would say that fathers don't matter and that having a mother is sufficient in the physical, mental, and emotional growth of children.

 What does research say on this subject?

According to what I found while completing my senior thesis at BYU-Idaho, girls who have better quality relationships with their fathers are less likely to demonstrate delinquent behavior. I found many articles which stated that children benefit positively from their relationship with their father in areas including self-esteem, educational achievement, and social interaction.1

According to sociologist Dr. David Popenoe, one of the pioneers in the research of fathers and fatherhood, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring."2

What are these benefits? According to the article "The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children", when a wife has a loving husband she is more likely to be a better mother. "They are more responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support" (Rosenberg, 2006:11).  Also, "Fathers who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females. Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships" (Rosenberg, 2006:11-12).

 Not convinced? Here are some stats about children who grow up without fathers:

Children in father absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. 

Youth in father absent homes are more likely to be incarcerated 

Adolescent females who grow up without a father are at a higher risk of becoming pregnant.3

One of my favorite movies is "Courageous", a movie that was specifically designed to demonstrate the importance of fatherhood. In the movie, four fathers work together on a police squad. Every day they fight the crime that arises in their community. During one particular scene in the movie one of the characters, Nathan Hayes, says to his partner "You know, if fathers just did what they're supposed to do, half of the junk that we face on the streets wouldn't exist."4

Isn't that an interesting statement? Notice Nathan didn't say "If mothers just did what they are supposed to..." or "If grandparents just did what they are supposed to...". No, he said FATHERS. That's not to say that other family members don't play important roles in the development of a child. It’s just that a father plays a unique role in the life of a child that is unmatched by any other.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." 

How can this be done? Here are some suggestions I found in an article called "Six Obstacles to Father Involvement-and How to Overcome Them"5.

1. Learn from the habits of your fathers. Try to remember the things you did and didn't like and implement them in the way you parent.

2. Find the ways that work best for YOU to spend time with your children. If you have to work late, perhaps you can eat breakfast with them before heading off to work. If your job is physically demanding, you may take time to just talk with your child. Any time spent with your child will be beneficial, no matter if it's doing an activity or just simply asking them how their day went. 

3. Couples need to define what "involved" means based on their circumstances. Sometimes a father can't be as involved as he would like. Family members would do well to make sure that dad feels appreciated and validated and make sure that he understands that they know that he is doing his best.

4. Fathers need to take more responsibility for building community. I believe this means he is in charge of building his own support system. He should go out of his way to build relationships with other men (while this is not as natural for men as it is for women it can be done). Some fathers have gone of their way to organize men's groups or father-organized play groups. 

5. For divorced fathers, use writing as a go between as this gives the ability to react first, think about the children's best interest, and then respond.  The article states that when fathers are taught about the negative impact on children who see their parents fight and when taught skills for conflict resolution, conflict is reduced within families and mothers

feel more support in parenting.  

6. Men and women need to have conversations about how their gender expectations shape their reactions to situations. "As children get older and roles more clearly defined, many men accept the cultural script that their children will be closer to their mothers and they will become more distant." This doesn't need to happen as the couple communicates their expectations for one another. 

 Here is a short little video of one of my favorite messages about fatherhood from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

For the wives and mothers that are reading this post, what are some ways that you have found to support your husband in his role as a father? What things have you done as a couple to keep you equally involved in the lives of your children? What are some things you can improve to help your husband have a greater appreciation for his role as a father?

For the fathers reading this post, what are some things you can improve in your role as a father? As a husband? How can you become more involved in the lives of your children?

References:

1. Richardson, Staci L, 2014. "How does paternal influence affect juvenile delinquency in females and why?" BYU-Idaho.
2. Rosenberg, J. and W. Brad Wilcox. 2006. "The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children". US Department of Health and Human Services.
3. http://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistics
4. http://courageousmovieresources.com/quotes-from-the-movie-courageous.html
5. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_obstacles_to_father_involvementand_how_to_overcome_them

Fight the New Drug

Pornography addiction affects millions of people worldwide. It's affected people I know and it's affected my loved ones. Many people don't understand just how addictive and destructive it can be. It ruins relationships and destroys families. This is an evil that must be understood in order to fully protect ourselves and our families because research has shown that it rewires the brain and affects us emotionally, socially, and psychologically.

Fight the New Drug is a non-profit organization that focuses on the fight against pornography. Many believe that pornography isn't harmful and in fact is actually good for you. Fight the New Drug has statistics that prove otherwise. The thing I LOVE about the statistics and information I read on fightthenewdrug.org is that EVERYTHING is cited! There is research to back up 100% of the statistics listed on the website. The studies have been done and the results are real. I invite you all to visit this website and learn for yourself about how harmful pornography really is.

Studies have been done to show that pornography rewires the brain just like a drug. Click here to find out how. According to fightthenewdrug.org, "The more a drug user hits up or a porn user looks at porn, the more those pathways get wired into the brain, making it easier and easier for the person to turn back to using, whether they want to or not." [1] The addiction literally becomes like a chain that traps the users in their addiction.

So what are the effects of pornography addiction? Marriages and families are torn apart, "...women are...depicted as sexual objects whose value is based solely on their physical appearance and sexual appeal" (Ward and Friedman 2006:134) [2] With marriages and families being torn apart society is being torn apart as well. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states: "Children are entitled...to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." [3] This cannot and does not happen when both or one of the partners in the marriage are trapped in a pornography addiction. Pornography distorts true love. Studies show that those who view pornography regularly are less satisfied with sexual relations with their own partner (socialcostsofpornography.com). [4] How sad is it to think that people actually prefer images on a computer screen over a relationship with their own partner?! 

Resources for help

There is HOPE.

I have a dear friend who has overcome some very difficult challenges early on in her marriage.  As a young bride, she found that the man of her dreams suffered from a terrible addiction to pornography.  My friend was devastated.  However, over time, with guidance from church leaders, therapy and much reliance on the Lord and his atonement, her husband has overcome his addictions and learned to make his weakness his strength.  I am amazed as I watch this couple who really have it together.  The weakness that beset them early on in their marriage has certainly been overcome and where their relationship was fragile and could have been destroyed by this addiction, it is now one of those that only the rest of us can hope for.  They are strong and committed to their family. My friend’s husband puts his family first – always.  He is a strong leader in their home, and is very very careful about avoiding exposures in the media, online, and wherever he may be that would trigger the addiction he struggled with for so long.  Where before her husband was distracted -- he is now very purposeful in his parenting and in caring for his spouse.  Pornography can be overcome in marriage.  Too many divorces occur where with proper intervention the marriage could be saved.  If both partners want help, and there are many that do, there are resources to save them and save their marriage. 

Our Heavenly Fathers plan is that men and women work as equal partners to bring His children to this earth. Pornography is an evil that is set on destroying this plan. Now that we have the facts and understand how this addiction is affecting families, here are some resources that can be used for those in need of help:

overcomingpornography.org (a website created by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to help those in need of overcoming pornography)

addictionrecovery.lds.org (12 step program created by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

www.fightthenewdrug.org/get-help (A link to organizations that offer help for pornography addiction)

fortifyprogram.org (Fortify was founded by Fight the New Drug, specifically designed for teenagers with sexual addictions)

oxbowacademy.net (Oxbow Academy specializes in recovery for teenage boys ages 12-18)  

lifestarnetwork.com (Lifestar specializes in recovery for people of all ages with pornography addiction and sexually compulsive behaviors)

References

1. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts#brain/porn-is-like-a-drug

2. Ward, L. Monique. 2006 "Using TV as a Guide: Associations Between Television Viewing and Adolescents Sexual Attitudes and Behavior." Journal of Research on Adolescence 16(1):133-156.

3. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" paragraph 7. 

4. Bridges, Ana J. "Pornography's effects on interpersonal relationsips." :1-25. Retrieved from Socialcostsofpornography.com on Aug 28, 2014.

Welcome to my blog!!

This is a picture of my family. There are eight of us, and we are all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am the oldest of my siblings, and love all of them ALOT! :)

I believe that the principles found in The Family: A Proclamation to the World can be applied to families everywhere in order to educate and strengthen them. Not familiar with this document? Find it here. I am writing this from an LDS (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, also known as the Mormons) perspective. The articles and posts I will put on this blog are posted are research based with the objective to inform and educate readers about the threats to the family today and also to share ideas of how we can better protect ourselves and our families against those influences which have the potential to destroy us.

I am so excited to begin posting on this blog!! The family is something that is SUPER important to me and I believe is a sacred institution that is ordained by God. In society today, the family as an institution is disintegrating (pewsocialtrends.org) so I decided to do something about it. The foundation of this blog is based on the principles found in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. This document was inspired by God and written by modern day prophets and apostles. Before introducing the Proclamation to the Family in the October 1995 LDS General Conference President Hinckley (then the prophet of the LDS church) said:

"With so much of sophistry that is passed off as truth, with so much of deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn. In furtherance of this we of the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles now issue a proclamation to the Church and to the world as a declaration and reaffirmation of standards, doctrines, and practices relative to the family which the prophets, seers, and revelators of this church have repeatedly stated throughout its history” (“Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,”Ensign,Nov. 1995, 100; emphasis added).

I know that the institution of the family is important not only in God's eternal plan but is also important in the well being of society. Just as it states in the last paragraph of the Proclamation,   "...we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."