Dating and Pornography- Having the Conversation

Pornography. I feel like in this day and age it's a word that needs to be talked about. Especially among young adults who are dating and trying to decide who they are going to spend the rest of their lives with (and ultimately eternity, if you're looking at it from the LDS perspective). Sure it might be awkward, but it's important! If you are planning on spending forever with someone you need to know what their exposure has been to pornography, and they need to know yours. This post is aimed at giving young adults greater skills so that when this conversation happens it can be an experience that strengthens their relationships.

Maybe you're reading this post because you now have or have had a problem with pornography in the past and you are trying to decide how to bring it up with your significant other. That can be scary! I have friends who hesitate sharing what their exposure to pornography has been because they are afraid it might scare their girlfriend/boyfriend away. That's a legitimate concern.

I attended the UCAP (Utah Coalition Against Pornography) conference last spring with my mom and sister, and I attended a class specifically designed to help young adults learn how to have this conversation. Here are a few pointers that might be helpful when attempting to approach this topic.

When should you have the conversation?

Be careful. Bringing it up too early in a relationship can give the perception that you are trying to "weed" people out. Also, bringing up a topic such as this too early when trust hasn't been firmly established can show a lack of consideration for your friend.
Talking about this too late in a relationship can also cause problems. If this topic is brought up for the first time and you are already engaged, it can become difficult to evaluate if you are really ready for marriage or if more recovery is needed first. Being at that level of emotional involvement can make things a little tricky.
Here are some guidelines about when might be a good time to have this conversation:

• You truly care about each other
• You are able to appreciate the good things about each other and be patient with weaknesses
• You trust each other to be kind, sensitive, and respectful
• You are talking about other significant personal issues
• You are together exclusively
• You might be thinking about becoming engaged or married, but are not engaged yet

How should I approach the topic?

The following are suggestions on how to start this conversation from a pdf found on salifeline.org.

Show your friend how much you care about them.

1. “I really value our relationship, and I want us to be able to be open with each other. I know this can be a difficult subject, but how would you feel about discussing our experiences with pornography?”
2. “You mean so much to me, and being with you makes me happy. I feel like we know each other well enough to share our challenges. I have something I want to share with you that has been a big struggle for me.”
3. “I really care about you, and I know that pornography is a big issue that you could be worried about. I want to talk to you about my history with it to let you know where I am.” 

Be up front about your worries.

1. “This might be hard to bring up, but pornography seems to be a big issue. We have a good relationship so I think if we just get started, we can be open about it. Is that ok with you?”
2. “I have something I want to share with you, but I worry that you might be disappointed in me. I really care about you and what you think. I think it is the right time for me to tell you about my challenges with pornography.”
3. “I think it’s important for people to talk about big social issues like pornography, but I have hesitated because I’ve been worried you might feel like I am accusing you. So I hope we can just share what our experiences have been. Can we talk about it?” 

Share a personal experience.

1. “I heard a lesson encouraging people to talk about the problems that come from pornography. It reminded me of when I was 13 and I saw my friend’s brother watching pornography at their house. It was upsetting because it seemed wrong, but I was curious too. What happened the first time you saw porn? Has it been a challenge for you?”
2. “I know a couple who successfully worked through their pornography issues and created a stronger relationship. I learned it is so important to talk about this issue. It seems like a good time to bring this up. Do you feel like we’re ready to talk about it?”
3. “My parents didn’t really warn me pornography. I wish we had been able to talk about what it was like for me in high school when my friends were sharing it all the time. I wasn’t sure how to handle it, and I got more involved in it than I should have. Did your parents do a good job?” 

This conversation should never seem like an interrogation. If your significant other feels like they are being interrogated, they may be less inclined to be open and honest. As you open up and talk about both of your exposure, (hello! we live in a very sexualized society, if you think you haven’t been exposed then maybe you need to know that ANYTHING that is sexual in nature and causes you to feel feelings of a sexual nature is pornography - EVERYONE has been exposed to some degree) and that of your significant other, the conversation can be an edifying experience that can potentially strengthen your relationship.

What do I do if I bring this up with my boyfriend (or girlfriend) and he/she admits to using (or having used) porn?

Don't panic! Realize this is a pretty common thing. Research shows that 90% of boys under 17 have been exposed to it.

Find out how they are dealing with their exposure. Is this an addiction? If so, are they in recovery or are they just sober?

Sober=defensive "living in a burned house, not wanting to do anything about it", overly optimistic about future success, disconnected.

Recovery=realistic, humble, honest, they have a heart. Kind, compassionate, respectful. They "feel" different.

You can usually tell if they are in recovery or just sober by the way they react. Are they defensive? Are they in denial? Or are they humble and willing to talk about it?

Often the most successful people in recovery have used four sources:

1. Qualified therapy from a therapist who specializes in pornography and sexual addictions.
2. 12-step support groups
3. Support from a church leader or accountability partner
4. Education to understand the issue 

If there is an addiction, there needs to be so much more than just abstinence. If you break a bone, you don't just let it heal on it's own. You need to see a specialist who knows what to do to help your bone heal. It's the same with the mind. If the mind has been injured it needs help from a specialist who knows what exactly needs to be done so that the mind can heal correctly.

If you are engaged and find out there is a problem with porn, its okay to pull back a little bit. Break the engagement for a time. It's still okay to spend time together and have fun.
Are they proactive about recovery? Don't let them make you be in charge of their recovery. If they are serious about it they will take responsibility for their recovery.

Remember:

Learning that someone has a problem with pornography does not mean you should immediately end the relationship. However, it does mean you should:

 -Become educated on the issue, 
-Work on building open communication in your relationship,
-Set boundaries to protect yourself, and 
-Learn to recognize honesty about progress in recovery. 

These steps can guide and strengthen someone who is worried about loving someone with a pornography issue. We all have weaknesses and challenges, and some- one who is determined can overcome this problem. 

Its okay to have a limit. Some people are willing to work with their partner as they work to conquer this addiction. Some people aren't. That's okay. Everyone has their own limit.
Therapists recommend 1 year of sobriety before rethinking the relationship. The brain needs time to heal, and their beliefs and attitudes need to shift.

I know this is a scary issue. No one wants to find out that the person they have fallen in love with is struggling with something like pornography. BUT, I know that by following these guidelines and doing your own personal research this conversation can be positive. It can bring you closer together as you learn to trust one another. It opens doors for other conversations that need to happen.

Click HERE to read my post about pornography addiction. Remember that there is hope.



Resources:

PDF of the outline of the talk about dating and pornography given at the 2015 UCAP conference: http://salifeline.org/files/love-trust-truth.pdf- notes from talk

Audio of talk given at 2015 UCAP conference:
 http://utahcoalition.org/project/dating-pornography-starting-the-conversation/

Article: "A Guide for Young Women who are Dating- Pornography Addiction is SERIOUS!" http://www.lifestarstgeorge.com/blog/?p=722

Article: "How to Talk to Your Partner About Porn, And Why Everyone Needs To Do It"
http://verilymag.com/2015/09/impact-of-pornography-on-relationships-dealbreakers-red-flags-anti-porn-sexual-abuse-ashley-madison-hack-infidelity