Dating and Pornography- Having the Conversation

Pornography. I feel like in this day and age it's a word that needs to be talked about. Especially among young adults who are dating and trying to decide who they are going to spend the rest of their lives with (and ultimately eternity, if you're looking at it from the LDS perspective). Sure it might be awkward, but it's important! If you are planning on spending forever with someone you need to know what their exposure has been to pornography, and they need to know yours. This post is aimed at giving young adults greater skills so that when this conversation happens it can be an experience that strengthens their relationships.

Maybe you're reading this post because you now have or have had a problem with pornography in the past and you are trying to decide how to bring it up with your significant other. That can be scary! I have friends who hesitate sharing what their exposure to pornography has been because they are afraid it might scare their girlfriend/boyfriend away. That's a legitimate concern.

I attended the UCAP (Utah Coalition Against Pornography) conference last spring with my mom and sister, and I attended a class specifically designed to help young adults learn how to have this conversation. Here are a few pointers that might be helpful when attempting to approach this topic.

When should you have the conversation?

Be careful. Bringing it up too early in a relationship can give the perception that you are trying to "weed" people out. Also, bringing up a topic such as this too early when trust hasn't been firmly established can show a lack of consideration for your friend.
Talking about this too late in a relationship can also cause problems. If this topic is brought up for the first time and you are already engaged, it can become difficult to evaluate if you are really ready for marriage or if more recovery is needed first. Being at that level of emotional involvement can make things a little tricky.
Here are some guidelines about when might be a good time to have this conversation:

• You truly care about each other
• You are able to appreciate the good things about each other and be patient with weaknesses
• You trust each other to be kind, sensitive, and respectful
• You are talking about other significant personal issues
• You are together exclusively
• You might be thinking about becoming engaged or married, but are not engaged yet

How should I approach the topic?

The following are suggestions on how to start this conversation from a pdf found on salifeline.org.

Show your friend how much you care about them.

1. “I really value our relationship, and I want us to be able to be open with each other. I know this can be a difficult subject, but how would you feel about discussing our experiences with pornography?”
2. “You mean so much to me, and being with you makes me happy. I feel like we know each other well enough to share our challenges. I have something I want to share with you that has been a big struggle for me.”
3. “I really care about you, and I know that pornography is a big issue that you could be worried about. I want to talk to you about my history with it to let you know where I am.” 

Be up front about your worries.

1. “This might be hard to bring up, but pornography seems to be a big issue. We have a good relationship so I think if we just get started, we can be open about it. Is that ok with you?”
2. “I have something I want to share with you, but I worry that you might be disappointed in me. I really care about you and what you think. I think it is the right time for me to tell you about my challenges with pornography.”
3. “I think it’s important for people to talk about big social issues like pornography, but I have hesitated because I’ve been worried you might feel like I am accusing you. So I hope we can just share what our experiences have been. Can we talk about it?” 

Share a personal experience.

1. “I heard a lesson encouraging people to talk about the problems that come from pornography. It reminded me of when I was 13 and I saw my friend’s brother watching pornography at their house. It was upsetting because it seemed wrong, but I was curious too. What happened the first time you saw porn? Has it been a challenge for you?”
2. “I know a couple who successfully worked through their pornography issues and created a stronger relationship. I learned it is so important to talk about this issue. It seems like a good time to bring this up. Do you feel like we’re ready to talk about it?”
3. “My parents didn’t really warn me pornography. I wish we had been able to talk about what it was like for me in high school when my friends were sharing it all the time. I wasn’t sure how to handle it, and I got more involved in it than I should have. Did your parents do a good job?” 

This conversation should never seem like an interrogation. If your significant other feels like they are being interrogated, they may be less inclined to be open and honest. As you open up and talk about both of your exposure, (hello! we live in a very sexualized society, if you think you haven’t been exposed then maybe you need to know that ANYTHING that is sexual in nature and causes you to feel feelings of a sexual nature is pornography - EVERYONE has been exposed to some degree) and that of your significant other, the conversation can be an edifying experience that can potentially strengthen your relationship.

What do I do if I bring this up with my boyfriend (or girlfriend) and he/she admits to using (or having used) porn?

Don't panic! Realize this is a pretty common thing. Research shows that 90% of boys under 17 have been exposed to it.

Find out how they are dealing with their exposure. Is this an addiction? If so, are they in recovery or are they just sober?

Sober=defensive "living in a burned house, not wanting to do anything about it", overly optimistic about future success, disconnected.

Recovery=realistic, humble, honest, they have a heart. Kind, compassionate, respectful. They "feel" different.

You can usually tell if they are in recovery or just sober by the way they react. Are they defensive? Are they in denial? Or are they humble and willing to talk about it?

Often the most successful people in recovery have used four sources:

1. Qualified therapy from a therapist who specializes in pornography and sexual addictions.
2. 12-step support groups
3. Support from a church leader or accountability partner
4. Education to understand the issue 

If there is an addiction, there needs to be so much more than just abstinence. If you break a bone, you don't just let it heal on it's own. You need to see a specialist who knows what to do to help your bone heal. It's the same with the mind. If the mind has been injured it needs help from a specialist who knows what exactly needs to be done so that the mind can heal correctly.

If you are engaged and find out there is a problem with porn, its okay to pull back a little bit. Break the engagement for a time. It's still okay to spend time together and have fun.
Are they proactive about recovery? Don't let them make you be in charge of their recovery. If they are serious about it they will take responsibility for their recovery.

Remember:

Learning that someone has a problem with pornography does not mean you should immediately end the relationship. However, it does mean you should:

 -Become educated on the issue, 
-Work on building open communication in your relationship,
-Set boundaries to protect yourself, and 
-Learn to recognize honesty about progress in recovery. 

These steps can guide and strengthen someone who is worried about loving someone with a pornography issue. We all have weaknesses and challenges, and some- one who is determined can overcome this problem. 

Its okay to have a limit. Some people are willing to work with their partner as they work to conquer this addiction. Some people aren't. That's okay. Everyone has their own limit.
Therapists recommend 1 year of sobriety before rethinking the relationship. The brain needs time to heal, and their beliefs and attitudes need to shift.

I know this is a scary issue. No one wants to find out that the person they have fallen in love with is struggling with something like pornography. BUT, I know that by following these guidelines and doing your own personal research this conversation can be positive. It can bring you closer together as you learn to trust one another. It opens doors for other conversations that need to happen.

Click HERE to read my post about pornography addiction. Remember that there is hope.



Resources:

PDF of the outline of the talk about dating and pornography given at the 2015 UCAP conference: http://salifeline.org/files/love-trust-truth.pdf- notes from talk

Audio of talk given at 2015 UCAP conference:
 http://utahcoalition.org/project/dating-pornography-starting-the-conversation/

Article: "A Guide for Young Women who are Dating- Pornography Addiction is SERIOUS!" http://www.lifestarstgeorge.com/blog/?p=722

Article: "How to Talk to Your Partner About Porn, And Why Everyone Needs To Do It"
http://verilymag.com/2015/09/impact-of-pornography-on-relationships-dealbreakers-red-flags-anti-porn-sexual-abuse-ashley-madison-hack-infidelity

True Beauty

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity." -Margaret Nadauld

I have always struggled with a negative body image. I love to exercise and have always set goals to have a body that may or may not be realistic for my body type. The only thing this has done for me is make me miserable. The more I exercise the more critical I am of myself. I've always told myself that I'm not "that girl" who compares myself to all the fit people I see all over social media. The more I think about it, however, the more I realize I actually AM. I do compare myself to others, even if it's subconsciously. While I realize the importance of taking care of my body, I can see that instead of exercising to be healthy and to feel good about myself I exercise because I am in a subconscious "competition" with those I come across in the media. 

Lately I've been thinking about true beauty. What kind of beautiful do I want to be? Do I want to continue to beat myself up over unrealistic goals that I am not accomplishing? If I continue to base my beauty on how hard I work at the gym or whether or not I have a thigh gap, I know that I will continue to be unhappy. This is why I have set a goal to measure my beauty differently. 

 I want to feel beautiful because I do things that really matter. I know that I feel best when I am serving others. I also know that when I see others doing random acts of kindness, I see those people as beautiful. I want to be seen as beautiful because I do and say kind things. I want to be seen as beautiful because I was the answer to someone's prayer. I want to be seen as beautiful because I have compassion, charity, and love towards other people.  I want to be beautiful because I am Christlike. 

As women we tend to be very critical of ourselves. What if we could just take a step back and base our beauty on the things we do and say instead of the things we buy to make ourselves "look better?" What if we stop comparing ourselves to others and look inward to realize the difference we can make by our kind words and deeds? What if instead of trying to look or be better than someone else you do something nice for them instead?

I absolutely love the quote at the beginning of this post. The world has enough women who THINK they know who they are. We need more woman who KNOW who they are and know their divine worth and act on that knowledge. We are daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. The world sees us only as objects meant to satisfy the lust of the world. We are so much more! We will never be good enough in the eyes of the world. There is always another pound to lose, another product to try. However, we will ALWAYS be good enough for our Heavenly Father. 

Beauty comes in giving yourself to others. It comes in realizing who you are and WHOSE you are. Beauty comes when you truly lose yourself in the service of others and by doing so bring yourself closer to Christ. Some of the most beautiful women I know are the ones who radiate the light of Christ.

Beauty Redefined is a non-profit organization started by twin sisters Lindsay and Lexi Kite. They both received their PhD's from the University of Utah in the study of media and body image and have created this initiative as a way to fight negative media messages targeted at women that affect body image. They have created three points that summarize their objective:

1. Recognize. Recognizing harmful messages is the first step in taking back beauty and health for ourselves. By recognizing the lies that are portrayed in the media we can begin to redefine our concept of beauty.

2. Redefine. Redefining the way we perceive our own bodies is the second step to taking back beauty and health for ourselves. One suggestion to redefine your perception of your body may be to set goals to see what your body can do instead of what it can look like.

3. Resist. Resisting harmful messages about female bodies is the final continuous step to taking back health and beauty for ourselves. This may include choosing not to spend money at stores that use degrading images and messages (ex. Carl's Junior. Many of their ads use sex as a way to make their food look desirable.) 

To find out more about Beauty Redefined, check out the website here! 

Lastly, I would like to suggest that if you find yourself judging your body by what it looks like instead of what it can do, set goals to realign your focus. Our bodies are amazing and were created in the image of our Heavenly Father. By setting goals to see what your body can do you will have a more complete concept of yourself as someone who can achieve healthy goals. 

Fathers ARE important

I always felt it a blessing --  the fact that I grew up with a father who loves and supports me. He however was not so fortunate, as his own father died in a tragic accident when my dad was only four years old. In many ways my father blames this for the way he acted as a teenager. He didn’t have a dad to show him the value of becoming an eagle scout; his father wasn’t around to discuss the importance of proper dating relationships, and his mother was the only one around to enforce discipline.  With other children at home and having to work full time to support the family, she was spread pretty thin. I'm by no means saying that my father is any less of a father because he didn't grow up with one. He, just as many other children and youth who grow up without their fathers in their lives, missed out on the influence that a good dad has on his children. As a Social Science major at BYU-Idaho,  I became passionate about family relationships and how to safe guard them against the ways of the world. I  began noticing that the world has a very different view of the role of fatherhood compared to what we know and understand as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As I served as an LDS missionary in New York City for 18 months, I often worked with young women who grew up without their fathers in their lives. I observed many behaviors, such as lack of self-respect and the desire for any type of male attention which I believe these could have been lessened if these girls had a positive father role model in their lives.  Positive father/daughter relationships help teenage girls understand they deserve to be respected and helps fulfill the need for acceptance from the opposite gender.

This leads to my question:

Is the role of fathers important? The world today would say no. The world would say that fathers don't matter and that having a mother is sufficient in the physical, mental, and emotional growth of children.

 What does research say on this subject?

According to what I found while completing my senior thesis at BYU-Idaho, girls who have better quality relationships with their fathers are less likely to demonstrate delinquent behavior. I found many articles which stated that children benefit positively from their relationship with their father in areas including self-esteem, educational achievement, and social interaction.1

According to sociologist Dr. David Popenoe, one of the pioneers in the research of fathers and fatherhood, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring."2

What are these benefits? According to the article "The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children", when a wife has a loving husband she is more likely to be a better mother. "They are more responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support" (Rosenberg, 2006:11).  Also, "Fathers who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females. Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships" (Rosenberg, 2006:11-12).

 Not convinced? Here are some stats about children who grow up without fathers:

Children in father absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. 

Youth in father absent homes are more likely to be incarcerated 

Adolescent females who grow up without a father are at a higher risk of becoming pregnant.3

One of my favorite movies is "Courageous", a movie that was specifically designed to demonstrate the importance of fatherhood. In the movie, four fathers work together on a police squad. Every day they fight the crime that arises in their community. During one particular scene in the movie one of the characters, Nathan Hayes, says to his partner "You know, if fathers just did what they're supposed to do, half of the junk that we face on the streets wouldn't exist."4

Isn't that an interesting statement? Notice Nathan didn't say "If mothers just did what they are supposed to..." or "If grandparents just did what they are supposed to...". No, he said FATHERS. That's not to say that other family members don't play important roles in the development of a child. It’s just that a father plays a unique role in the life of a child that is unmatched by any other.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." 

How can this be done? Here are some suggestions I found in an article called "Six Obstacles to Father Involvement-and How to Overcome Them"5.

1. Learn from the habits of your fathers. Try to remember the things you did and didn't like and implement them in the way you parent.

2. Find the ways that work best for YOU to spend time with your children. If you have to work late, perhaps you can eat breakfast with them before heading off to work. If your job is physically demanding, you may take time to just talk with your child. Any time spent with your child will be beneficial, no matter if it's doing an activity or just simply asking them how their day went. 

3. Couples need to define what "involved" means based on their circumstances. Sometimes a father can't be as involved as he would like. Family members would do well to make sure that dad feels appreciated and validated and make sure that he understands that they know that he is doing his best.

4. Fathers need to take more responsibility for building community. I believe this means he is in charge of building his own support system. He should go out of his way to build relationships with other men (while this is not as natural for men as it is for women it can be done). Some fathers have gone of their way to organize men's groups or father-organized play groups. 

5. For divorced fathers, use writing as a go between as this gives the ability to react first, think about the children's best interest, and then respond.  The article states that when fathers are taught about the negative impact on children who see their parents fight and when taught skills for conflict resolution, conflict is reduced within families and mothers

feel more support in parenting.  

6. Men and women need to have conversations about how their gender expectations shape their reactions to situations. "As children get older and roles more clearly defined, many men accept the cultural script that their children will be closer to their mothers and they will become more distant." This doesn't need to happen as the couple communicates their expectations for one another. 

 Here is a short little video of one of my favorite messages about fatherhood from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

For the wives and mothers that are reading this post, what are some ways that you have found to support your husband in his role as a father? What things have you done as a couple to keep you equally involved in the lives of your children? What are some things you can improve to help your husband have a greater appreciation for his role as a father?

For the fathers reading this post, what are some things you can improve in your role as a father? As a husband? How can you become more involved in the lives of your children?

References:

1. Richardson, Staci L, 2014. "How does paternal influence affect juvenile delinquency in females and why?" BYU-Idaho.
2. Rosenberg, J. and W. Brad Wilcox. 2006. "The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children". US Department of Health and Human Services.
3. http://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistics
4. http://courageousmovieresources.com/quotes-from-the-movie-courageous.html
5. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_obstacles_to_father_involvementand_how_to_overcome_them