I always felt it a blessing -- the fact that I grew up with a father who loves and supports me. He however was not so fortunate, as his own father died in a tragic accident when my dad was only four years old. In many ways my father blames this for the way he acted as a teenager. He didn’t have a dad to show him the value of becoming an eagle scout; his father wasn’t around to discuss the importance of proper dating relationships, and his mother was the only one around to enforce discipline. With other children at home and having to work full time to support the family, she was spread pretty thin. I'm by no means saying that my father is any less of a father because he didn't grow up with one. He, just as many other children and youth who grow up without their fathers in their lives, missed out on the influence that a good dad has on his children. As a Social Science major at BYU-Idaho, I became passionate about family relationships and how to safe guard them against the ways of the world. I began noticing that the world has a very different view of the role of fatherhood compared to what we know and understand as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As I served as an LDS missionary in New York City for 18 months, I often worked with young women who grew up without their fathers in their lives. I observed many behaviors, such as lack of self-respect and the desire for any type of male attention which I believe these could have been lessened if these girls had a positive father role model in their lives. Positive father/daughter relationships help teenage girls understand they deserve to be respected and helps fulfill the need for acceptance from the opposite gender.
This leads to my question:
This leads to my question:
Is
the role of fathers important? The world today would say no. The world would
say that fathers don't matter and that having a mother is sufficient in the
physical, mental, and emotional growth of children.
What does research say
on this subject?
According
to what I found while completing my senior thesis at BYU-Idaho, girls who have
better quality relationships with their fathers are less likely to demonstrate
delinquent behavior. I found many articles which stated
that children benefit positively from their relationship with their father in
areas including self-esteem, educational achievement, and social
interaction.1
According
to sociologist Dr. David Popenoe, one of the pioneers in the research of
fathers and fatherhood, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in
the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no
other person is as likely to bring."2
What
are these benefits? According to the article "The Importance of Fathers in
the Healthy Development of Children", when a wife has a loving husband she
is more likely to be a better mother. "They are more responsive,
affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing
with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and
emotional support" (Rosenberg, 2006:11). Also, "Fathers
who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict
within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more
likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women and who are less
likely to act in an aggressive fashion toward females. Girls with
involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat
them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy
relationships" (Rosenberg, 2006:11-12).
Not convinced? Here
are some stats about children who grow up without fathers:
Children
in father absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor.
Youth
in father absent homes are more likely to be incarcerated
Adolescent
females who grow up without a father are at a higher risk of becoming
pregnant.3
One of my favorite movies is "Courageous",
a movie that was specifically designed to demonstrate the importance of
fatherhood. In the movie, four fathers work together on a police squad. Every
day they fight the crime that arises in their community. During one particular
scene in the movie one of the characters,
Nathan Hayes, says to his partner "You know, if fathers just did what
they're supposed to do, half of the junk
that we face on the streets wouldn't exist."4
Isn't that an interesting statement? Notice Nathan
didn't say "If mothers just did what they are supposed to..." or
"If grandparents just did what they are supposed to...". No, he said FATHERS. That's not to say that other
family members don't play important roles in the development of a child. It’s just that a father plays a unique role in the
life of a child that is unmatched by any other.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World states:
"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families
in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of
life and protection for their families."
How can this be done? Here
are some suggestions I found in an article called "Six Obstacles to Father Involvement-and How to Overcome Them"5.
1. Learn from the habits of your fathers. Try
to remember the things you did and didn't like and implement them in the way
you parent.
2. Find the ways that work best for YOU to
spend time with your children. If you have to work late, perhaps you
can eat breakfast with them before heading off to work. If your job is
physically demanding, you may take time to just talk with your child. Any time
spent with your child will be beneficial, no matter if it's doing an activity
or just simply asking them how their day went.
3. Couples need to define what
"involved" means based on their circumstances. Sometimes a
father can't be as involved as he would like. Family members would do well to
make sure that dad feels appreciated and validated and make sure that he
understands that they know that he is doing his best.
4. Fathers need to take more responsibility
for building community. I believe this means he is in charge of
building his own support system. He should go out of his way to build relationships
with other men (while this is not as natural for men as it is for women it can
be done). Some fathers have gone of their way to organize men's groups or
father-organized play groups.
5. For divorced fathers, use writing as a
go between as this gives the ability to react first, think about the children's
best interest, and then respond. The
article states that when fathers are taught about the negative impact on
children who see their parents fight and
when taught skills for conflict resolution, conflict is reduced within families
and mothers
feel more support in parenting.
6. Men and women need to have conversations
about how their gender expectations shape their reactions to situations. "As children get older and roles more clearly defined, many
men accept the cultural script that their children will be closer to their
mothers and they will become more distant." This doesn't need to
happen as the couple communicates their expectations for one
another.
Here is a short little video of one of my favorite messages about fatherhood from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
For the wives and mothers that are reading this post, what are some ways that you have found to support your husband in his role as a father? What things have you done as a couple to keep you equally involved in the lives of your children? What are some things you can improve to help your husband have a greater appreciation for his role as a father?
For the fathers reading this post, what are some things you can improve in your role as a father? As a husband? How can you become more involved in the lives of your children?
References:
1. Richardson, Staci L, 2014. "How does paternal influence affect juvenile delinquency in females and why?" BYU-Idaho.
2. Rosenberg, J. and W. Brad Wilcox. 2006. "The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children". US Department of Health and Human Services.
3. http://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistics
4. http://courageousmovieresources.com/quotes-from-the-movie-courageous.html
5. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_obstacles_to_father_involvementand_how_to_overcome_them
